So, Noah is One. Cliché as it sounds, it’s gone super fast and I’m missing the times that he wasn’t so loud, in my face, grumpy, sulky, ALWAYS WANTING MY FOOD. In fact, I’m laughing as I’m typing this but I actually can’t recall when last I’ve enjoyed a dish to myself ? But in saying that, I’m excited that he’s in my face, grumpy, sulky, and ALWAYS WANTING MY FOOD. In fact, im laughing as I am typing this because I now have reference points i.e. when he didn’t get his own way, which lead to tripping himself up and that initial soft moan – ending in this ‘Feel sorry for me for crying out loud’ Cry. Did I feel sorry for him? Not really but! I don’t like to see him cry like that so, out comes that soft side.

There really is no manual to this here parent thing. I’ve realized that now. You have books, yes – that prep you for parenthood but when you are faced with him/her, your instincts jump out first and rightly so in my opinion. Right now, I’m noticing that his problem solving skills are constantly improving. Four months ago, he would open a shoe rack and just leave it. Now, he opens a shoe rack, pulls out a shoe and attempts to place it in another shoe rack (his height of course). Obviously he’s been watching us do this day in, day out and wants in. Ignoring this would be neglectful of me however; these changes in personality/ behavior are so subtle and quick! That I could really miss them if my eye was off the ball (so to speak).

One thing my eyes are firmly on, is the mess. I can’t stand it; and it puts me on edge a little because I feel unsettled. You can already see where I am going with this because I must be dreaming to think I can maintain a clean environment with a toddler right? Well, YES! I actually think it’s possible! I think it will be a struggle but I feel like I must keep the hope alive here. Noah does not care, he’ll open the wardrobe like it’s his; pull clothes down for the sake of pulling clothes down and pull out shoes, leave them in the passage or just misplace them. When it’s time to feed him – I actually think he’s timed the motion in which the spoon makes its way to his mouth so that he can just knock it! And all over the carpet it goes. MORE MESS! Which then leads nicely into the cry.

Two things that I cannot control! Cry and Mess. On a good day, my patience levels are so high that I’m giving God High fives but on low days, I find myself looking at him and asking “why?” or actually mumbling, “Please stop.” Because that point of ‘I don’t know what else to do’ makes me feel defeated. I look at Noah thinking I am a big man to you, but still! Here I am pleading for mercy. I felt like this during the two weeks of stopping his night feed, which ultimately meant that he had to adjust to sleeping through and be given a bottle in the morning. I won’t lie, this process was draining. Had I known better? I would have booked annual leave. How did this get better? When I confronted my fear. What was the fear? Him, crying.

I’ve never been the type to enjoy/bask in embarrassing situations. I remember buying a valentine’s card for a girl once that said my fiancé, to what I thought spelt fancy! I also remember the time on my roller blades, tripping up in front of a bus filled with girls. Yeah, I hated them situations, the thoughts of that attention never settled with me. So it was natural when seeing a screaming baby on a bus back then, two things ran through my mind:

1. Glad I’m not Him/Her
2. THAT WOULD NEVER BE MY CHILD!

But here we are, prolonging to stop his night feed because I know he’s going to cry, I know he is going to cry so loud that the neighbors (Downstairs/ to the side) will hear. And he won’t be nice with it, he will do this at 2:30/12:00/3:30AM and go on for some time, time that people need to sleep in order to be ready for the next day but we are stopping that process and I will do this walk of shame the next few days past them, wanting to say sorry but not quite sure how. That chunk was without a full stop because that was literally how my brain worked! I didn’t want to feel embarrassed like that but, I also had no control over the cry. It had to happen and we just had to ride it out.

I listened to him cry on and off for three hours straight once, other times between 1:30 – 3:30 am, another at 2:15 – 4:00 am, bare in mind that I am in some good sleep before he kicked off, knowing that I will not get that feeling back! But I listened, and I became comfortable enough to not fear his cry, a cry that had different meanings i.e. frustration/tiredness/ wanting to be held/ pissed off at being ignored etc.

The next challenge is getting my mum to be comfortable with his cry. That will definitely be an entry worth typing. I feel nervous for her, she loves him so much that him crying just freaks her out! But in saying that, he will know exactly how to take advantage of this in the future.

Noah has now gone 13 months without meat or a hair cut (lol). Soon he will be trying out fish and we’ll see how that goes, and his hair? Gonna let it grow for a bit longer. He cried through his birthday song, the majority of his birthday, and even a little after his birthday, a success nonetheless lol. And a super, SUPER! Cake!

Until next time.

x